


I Bend So I Don't Break

by LoveIsNotAVictoryMarch



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Season/Series 11, Bunker Fluff, Castiel in the Bunker, Castiel is Not Oblivious, Dean Being Dean, Dean Feels, Dean Has Realizations, Getting Together, I love those tags, M/M, POV Dean Winchester, Yoga
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-21
Updated: 2016-09-21
Packaged: 2018-08-16 12:15:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8102080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LoveIsNotAVictoryMarch/pseuds/LoveIsNotAVictoryMarch
Summary: Cas starts practicing yoga and Dean finds it hard to concentrate on anything else.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Helianthus21](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Helianthus21/gifts).



> Set in somewhere in S11. Dean and Sam got Cas back, but Mary’s not there yet. So it’s a bit of an alternative timeline in which the darkness and Lucifer are gone and TFW has time to recover at the bunker.
> 
> Prompted by helianthus21’s late night post: “Cas doing yoga. Just Cas … doing yoga.” And that’s practically it.
> 
> Thanks, [ Marie](http://dixseptdixhuit.tumblr.com), for looking this over and your feedback!

Dean stood in the doorway of the living room for a good five minutes before he trusted himself enough to speak.

“Uhm, Cas?”

Cas looked up from his position on the floor while he groped for the remote to stop the video he was watching intently.

“Hello Dean.”

“Are you….” Dean cleared his throat. “Is that …”

“Yoga.”

Cas who had previously been lying on his back, elbows under him and his chest curved towards the ceiling, sank down and sat up.

“Did you need something?”

Dean’s eyes trailed a single drop of sweat that ran down from Cas’ throat into his clavicle just to vanish beneath his shirt.

“No. Yes. Dinner’s ready in five.” He turned around and ran. Fleeing was useless though – the view of Cas’ bowed spine etched itself into his retina and would haunt him for days.

XXX

“So what’s up with the contortionist thing?” Dean asked when they finished dinner and sat at the table in the kitchen.

Sam shot a questioning look over to Cas who shifted in his seat.

“I started practicing yoga. It helps me becoming more aware of my body.”

Dean was glad he wasn’t eating anymore because he surely would have chocked at that.

“ _Your_ body?” he croaked.

“I used my vessel for so long that it took me a while to realize that I see my physical form as a part of myself now.”

Dean looked over to Sam and conveyed the _I told you so_ with only the lift of an eyebrow.

Cas carried on, oblivious to the silent exchange.

“Is that understandable?”

Sam smiled his warm smile. “Sure Cas. We could practice together sometime? I haven’t done yoga for months.”

Cas smiled back. “Thank you, Sam.”

Dean grumbled, “Yeah, but you could use the gym for that from now on.”

 

                                                                                           

 

Yoga proofed to have a positive effect on Cas. He seemed more relaxed, he moved less stiffly and was in an overall good mood.

Dean – … well, let’s say Cas’ new hobby had an effect on him too. It not only helped Cas get more aware of his body – it made Dean aware of Cas’ body, too. And his own.

In that combination.

Various combinations.

Moving the sessions to the gym had not improved the situation. One evening, when Dean could not sleep, feeling antsy, he got down to the gym to work out. He found Cas in an complicated arm balance that left little to nothing of Cas’ muscled upper body to the imagination.

Dean just turned around, got a bottle of Jack out of the cabinet in the library and drank until he fell asleep sitting in the dark.

XXX

Cas and his flexible body were everywhere and didn’t give Dean one goddamn break.

At the moment he practiced mudras while sitting next to Dean in the passenger’s seat. Flexing and curling those long and slender fingers in plain sight.

After swerving violently twice because he could not CONCENTRATE on the road, Cas shot him a look.

“Stop that,” said Dean, and kept his focus straight ahead.

Cas stopped. Dean kept thinking about Cas’ hands.

XXX

The weeks went by and Dean got tenser.

He found Cas meditating in the little yard they had built a short distance from the bunker. The soft light of the setting sun gave him a freaking halo and lend a glow to his skin that made Dean’s fingers itch with the need to touch. Other times, he found Cas doing crazy poses in the gym, and in the library (again!). And he had to endure his brother and Cas talking about flexing and breathing and sending energy into their goddamn root chakra.

Dean knew he overreacted maybe a little bit but he had managed to condition himself to _yoga_ equals _Cas’ body_ equals _I want to tap that badly_ and there was no going back.

So maybe he lingered a few minutes longer when he finished bench pressing while Cas elegantly moved through his sun salutations.

So maybe he pictured Cas’ perfect capable hands on his body even more often than before.

So maybe instead of watching anime he started jerking off to [Dylan Werner](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s2JHXGTb_6w) vids on youtube.

So maybe … even Dean Winchester could run out of room in his brain to compartmentalize and repress and will away the fact that he was utterly gone on Cas.

That didn’t mean something had to change. Because change meant risking what they had.

And Dean had learned the hard way that he should be grateful for what he had while he had it. At the moment he had a lot to be grateful for: Both Sam and Cas were safe in the bunker without impending doom hanging over them.

No, nothing had to change. Dean just had to adapt to the view of Cas doing yoga. Just Cas … doing yoga.

XXX

It took him a while and a few stiff drinks in the half-light of the library to ask the questions that had been on his mind ever since they got Cas back. They sat on one of the large tables, open books in front of them long forgotten.

They were alone – Sam had been gone for two days now to give Eileen a hand on a wendigo hunt.

“How’re you holding up, buddy? That whole Lucifer thing was a lot of crap to swallow.”

Cas’ smile flashed sad and nearly imperceptible.

“I … I hadn’t anticipated for it to feel so … invasive. It was just my vessel after all.”Cas looked down at his hands, opening and closing them.

Dean couldn’t say when he started seeing Cas’ body as his, but it had to be sometime after Jimmy went to heaven. There wasn’t one moment to pinpoint, rather a long process. At the end of it stood the realization that he could not stand the idea that another being used his body. Now he almost wished Cas felt differently about the matter.

Cas voice sounded small when he started talking again.

“He used this body as a tool to hurt people. Just a tool, but still I feel .... On top of feeling pity for everyone that got in his way, the guilt weighed me down, the feeling that somehow that was still me doing those awful things.”

“God Cas, I’m so sorry. If I had just found out sooner…” The sentence stayed unfinished. There was nothing any of them had been able to do.

“You did nothing wrong. I made that decision. And it’s over now. I survived.”

They fell quiet.

“So, that’s what that yoga stuff is about?”

“Yes. It’s a way to connect mind and body. And to calm my thoughts. I didn’t think those methods would work for me, because my mind is used to existing and strategizing on multiple layers of reality. They do work though and help me to become more comfortable with my human body than before.”

Dean swallowed the flirty comeback that materialized on his tongue and averted his gaze.

“That’s good, Cas. Real good. I’m glad we have you back.”

 

                                                                                    

 

“Maybe you could try it?”

“I’m sorry, what?”

Dean had been watching Cas for who knows how long without even pretending to work out.

“I could show you some asanas and breathing techniques. It could help you relax.”

 _Yeah, fat chance_ , Dean thought. _Like being even closer to you while you do_ that _will make it less hot_. What left his mouth was, “sure”.

And so he found himself on Cas’ mat, hands and feet on the floor, trying to get his heels down in downward facing dog.

“It’s okay if it doesn’t work right away. You can bend your knees a little. The important part is your back. Keep it straight.”

Dean huffed an indignant laugh but refrained from mumbling, _Buddy, I’m trying_.

Suddenly Cas’ hands were on him, warm and firm, pressing into his lower back to punctuate his words. Dean inhaled deeply and concentrated on a point in the middle of the mat just like Cas had told him. Deep breaths.

“Now come to your knees and lay your upper body down.”

Dean felt his shoulders protest, his knees, his tight muscles. That wasn’t the most uncomfortable aspect of this position though. His ass pointed in the air, his head lay on the floor. And Cas stood behind him.

Silent.

“Enjoy the show?”

“Yes. I was curious why you seemed so interested before but now I see.” He heard a smile in Cas’ voice and Dean, for some reason, relaxed at that. So Cas knew that Dean had been ogling him and seemed okay with it.

Cas guided Dean through more positions with his steady deep voice and sure hands. He touched him whenever he had the chance and after a while, Dean just relaxed into it. His breathing slowed and the tension left him.

Starved for feeling a physical connection to another person for years now, Dean arched into Cas’ hands and just let himself feel warm and cared for. Maybe this yoga thing _did_ work.

 

XXX

 

They made it a habit: Tuesdays and Thursdays Dean would join Cas for a beginner’s routine. Cas was much stronger and had way better reflexes so he had to dial back a lot to find positions Dean managed, but he never said anything.

After a few weeks Dean began to feel a difference. When he got up, he didn’t feel as stiff. His back took long hours behind the wheel way better. What didn’t change was the mental picture that popped up as soon as he got some alone time.

During their sessions, Dean memorized every single one of Cas’ movements for later and filed them away while he concentrated on their practice. At night, in the silence of his room, his brain delivered different colorful and intriguing scenarios of how their newfound flexibility could be put to good use. His mind filled with pictures of Cas’ warm guiding hands on his thighs and the planes of his toned body naked over, under, next to Dean.

Later, when his release had washed over him and left him heavy, sated and content, he sometimes wondered if Cas felt this way, too.

XXX

Dean had fought trying to meditate tooth and nail. Two months in, Cas won. He had been right with everything so far and Dean just couldn’t come up with any argument that didn’t make him sound like a whiny dick.

Cas started slow with easy and short breathing exercises. Dean took to it a lot faster than anticipated and now it felt only right that they sat opposite each other at the end of each practice and meditated for 15 minutes.

Dean sank deep into his own mind. His breath became the focus point of his whole being. A bubble of silence enveloped him while the reality around him became irrelevant and distant.

Warmth sank into the skin on his lower arms.

His forehead.

More breath.

Not his own.

A whisperlight touch, so soft, on his eyelids.

Left.

Right.

The part of his mind that Dean couldn’t turn off registered what happened. But he shoved that thought away and let himself feel just for a moment.

When his consciousness swam back to the surface, Cas sat a few feet away again, eyes closed. The panic he should feel at this development, the need to understand what happened didn’t come. And so Dean did not question it.

XXX

These special elements in their meditation became regular, a natural extension to the guiding and centering touches Cas used to show him poses.

Cas’ voice flooded over him and through him.

“Relax your forehead. Close your eyes not once but twice. A third time. Breathe.”

His hands brushed over Dean’s face, tracing the lines. And each time Cas did this, Dean melted more into his touch. As soon as Cas felt him give in and let go, he leaned back and started his own meditation.

Today was different. Cas’ fingertips trailed Dean’s forehead, his cheeks while Cas stayed silent. The hands that cupped Dean’s jaw weren’t as sure.

“You know, the more I learn about this body and how I experience it, the more I find myself wondering. I’m so very aware of my own skin. Does yours feel the same?”

Cas soft voice had a trancelike quality. Low and intimate but never urgent. Observing.

“Why is it that my skin prickles when you look at it? Is that normal?”

One hand cradled his jaw while the finger of the other ran paths along the shell of his ear, his neck.

“There’s always this jump in your skin when I first touch you. And then I can feel you welcome it. All I can think of then is: Would my skin jump, too, if you touched it?”

A rasp contorted the breath that mingled with his. And then. The softest brush of a thumb on his bottom lip.

“That you allow this is the greatest gift you ever gave me, Dean.”

Dean knew with crystal clarity if he opened his eyes he would be met with an ocean of affection and he realized that –

somewhere along the way he had loosened his hold on the fear that always tainted the idea of this right here in front of him. Between them.

Cas waited patiently. He had waited an eternity.

Dean opened his eyes and closed the distance.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Image info: Hridaya Mudra
> 
> "This mudra is used to divert the flow of prana from the hands to heart, improving heart vitality. The middle and ring fingers relate to nadis connected with the heart, while the thumb closes the pranic circuit and acts as an energizer, diverting the prana from the hands to these nadis. Hridaya mudra is beneficial for the heat and can be used safely and easly. The heart is the center of emotion and this mudra helps release pent-up emotion and unburden the heart. It may be practiced during emotional conflict and crisis (Asana Pranaya Mudra Bandha, pg 430)." [Source](https://phoebedavenport.wordpress.com/coursework-2/intro-to-yoga-teacher-training/mudra/)
> 
> Find me on [tumblr](https://procasdeanating.tumblr.com).


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